Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
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[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.