A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
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Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I am having an out of money experience.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.