My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
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When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I have written yet another poem about laundry
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I hope Alan is OK
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.