Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
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I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours