They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
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*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.