She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
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A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom