*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
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Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.