I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
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Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Why is everyone getting married at me
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]