We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
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when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
the three branches of government
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…