*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
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I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
The internet is magic sometimes.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course