My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
You Might Also Like
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”