I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
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There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.