Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!

[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice