Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?![]()
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Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
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CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[on my way back to the posting caves]
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ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.