SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
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one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
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*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
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Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*