I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
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Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.