For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
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I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
The answer is funnier than the question
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.