ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
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Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
everyone’s a critic
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN