Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
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me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Worst Native American name ever.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?