Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
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ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I’d rather go liquor treating.