Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
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Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Somebody’s lying.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale