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A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I like donuts.
Twitter:
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us