dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
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If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
happy mother’s day❤️