Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
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if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
My what?
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Me buying fruit and veg
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.