The human personality is made of five key elements
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I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,