Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
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I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Good Morning.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.