I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
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My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet