I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
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[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
This could be us… but you playing
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Me My dog
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription: