“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
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Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning