Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
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ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.