I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
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WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner