Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
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John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
WTF IS THAT!
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?