“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
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Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN