Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
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Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My dad is at it again
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”