My dad is at it again
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[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.