@AdamBroud

My dad is at it again

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@ojedge

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

@stephenjmolloy

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

@onion_an

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

@_little_old_me

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

@CryitoutMom

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

@adalva

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

@UncleDuke1969

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.