They should invent clothes that get fat with you
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I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?