“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
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[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
there’s probably a fee though
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.