Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
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My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again