Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
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We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills