Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
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This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
wut hotdog?
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks