Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
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[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
eggs benadryl
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Did I do this right
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond