just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
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WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats