8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
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Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”