I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
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me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Worlds greatest photobomb
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
“What?”
– Jude
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Dishonest mechanic?