Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
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I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.