Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
You Might Also Like
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
#DesignFail