You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
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Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I gave up going to work for lent.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.