What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
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‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No