How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
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Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?