It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
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[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Deer are just ballerina dogs
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*