It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
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I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Canada has crack?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Buck naked
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?