[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
You Might Also Like
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir